TESLA: The Owner's Guide and Manual
by Doggy L.O.A.C.W.D.M
Summary: Done in request. HA! I OWN NOTHING...well....I own the food i'm about to eat.....and i own the words......BUT THE CHARACTERS ARE ALL TITE KUBOS! AND THE OWNERS GUIDE BELONGS TO....I dunno XD


Done in request to "I Love Szayel Aporro Granz"

_Disclaimer: I do not own Nnoitra's fanboy *ahem*slave*ahem* so any hoo :P I FINALLY GOT THIS UP SO YES NESS! I've been thinking about making videos of these on youtube (by which I am still fascinated and clueless on how that will work) however, it (hopefully) shall be done. Warning though. I draw like crap on the computer. I could try and draw it by hand but I'm still curious as to how I will upload the drawings into high quality._

**TESLA: The Owner's Guide and Manual**

Congratulations valued customer (insert name here). You have just purchased model number 67910376287291 of the TESLA unit in our Espada catalog section V. This is your Owner's Guide and Manual that should address all basic information, needs, warnings, and modes about TESLA unit number 67910376287291.

**Basic Information: The TESLA unit standard data**

Name: TESLA unit of our Espada catalog section V.

The Type (what to expect): Has some what sense of a conscience, a major Nnoitra fanboy, enjoys cosplay as Nnoitra

Manufacturing Date (year/month,/day: hour/minute/second/milliseconds):

2009/10/12: 9/56/21/31

Manufacturing Company: Scattered Scream © co. Commercials and catalog provided by Just A Marionette© productions.

Weight (customized by customer for customer convenience): Anorexic Skinny **Average** Mildly Obese Obese Morbidly Obese

Height (customized by customer for customer convenience): Grain of Rice Garbanzo Bean Squirt Bottle Up-to-your-hip **Average** Taller-than-a-door House Roof Space Shuttle

**The Box: Removing The TESLA Unit**

This step to removing the TESLA unit is vital. If it is released without any Nnoitra shaped candy or is without a Nnoitra eye patch, you will get up in the morning with a majorly fucked up face. Upon arriving, remove the TESLA unit from you patio, back yard, geek cave or whatever. Carefully set the container containing the unit in your humble home (or homely…which ever) and get any protective attire on. Be sure to set up a fort for safety just in case. You should take off any wrapping that secures your unit into your box so that it won't get shipped off to Utah or somewhere where it can happily graze in the grass like a merry little deer only to get PWND like Bambii. Begin kicking the box (imagine your robbing the bitch old lady across the street who ran over your IPhone) and stop when you hear swears or hyperventilation. Then shout at the top of your lungs "NO! NO! NNOITRA! YOU DO NOT PUMMEL MY ORIHIME, MY NEL AND MY BOX-SAN (? Box san?) UNITS! Your TESLA should just go all Kagura Sohma on the box in order to meet the center of his fan boy fantasies. Introduce your self over cake (it helps if you have long black hair and a creepy ass grin on you or your friend). Note that some units have been known to over react when there is not a Nnoitra unit present. In fact if you look in the newest edition of newspaper in your home town, you will most likely see some one you know in the obituary section.

**Programming: For Situations or just activity**

Mellow like Jello (default)

Guard Dog (optional)

Little Jimmy across the street (locked)

Rage attack (optional)

**Mellow like Jello **_(default)__**:**_

This is the default mode of the TESLA unit. As you can easily guess, it will act as normal and calm as any of the other espada units in our catalog with a setting similar to this. Warning. This can get easily annoying to our customers who enjoy killing, torture and basically the fun parts about life :D

**Guard Dog **_(optional):_

This is an optional setting if you have any other units from our BLEACH department. In need of a guard dog to keep away all the stalkers who wish to have your being in their very own house? Have a pest problem with small little snot nosed brats? That's not a problem with the Guard Dog optional setting. Guaranteed to scare those stalkers the hell away from you. Get out the broom and mop because the TESLA unit can go all fuck-you-up on those little brats (of course that doesn't save you from having to clean up the mess yourself…)

**Little Jimmy across the street **_(locked):_

This mode is locked for a reason. ALL THE WORLD WILL END IF YOU ACTIVATE IT! THAT MEANS THAT EVRY ONE OF YOUR (expensive) UNITS WILL BEGIN TO MALFUNCTION, SPLIT APART, CRACK AWAY AND CRUMBLE!!!! So anyways :D, This is the setting that will get your TESLA unit into a feel good little slave/brother/labor saver/mommy's little helper. Like that little boy Jimmy across the street who acts like a total scaredy punk ass bitch :D

**Rage Attack **_(optional)_**:**

This is an optional mode where your TESLA unit can begin full assault on the world. Like a PMS attack, be prepared with Midol or Tylenol, Chocolate and many other items of greatness because it WILL go on rampage, it WILL destroy your family and friends and it WILL destroy you (expensive) other units and ding dongs (but these you can buy at any pastry store so it's all good)

**F.A.Q: The Complaints of Whiny Ass Customers who won't leave us the hell alone**

**Q: **My TESLA unit was writing in his NNOITRA unit diary that they were going to live in a meadow filled with knee high gum drops, rainbows and ponies. Should I be worried?

**A:** Not if you enjoy that kind of happiness. But if you don't, then it's probably either a malfunction and it's stuck between the settings Mellow like Jello and Little Jimmy across the street (or it could be the yaoi setting infecting your unit. If you are displeased with this mystery setting, then you have the option to replace your unit).

**Q:** YOUR FUCKING SHIT IS CRAPPY AND IT'S JUST PLAIN WRONG! MY TESLA UNIT HAD ATTACKED MY GRANDMOTHER AND PIMP SLAPPED HER TO THE MOON JUST BECAUSE SHE SAID THAT MY NNOITRA UNIT WAS UGLY AND PERVERTED! WHY WOULD YOU SELL THAT?! WHY?! WHY?! ARE YOU MESSED UP IN YOUR HEADS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

**A:** yes we are…but silly little boy, the rest of that was not a question :D

**Q:** Can I have a DOGGY L.O.A.C.W.D.M unit?

**A:** No. 

**Q:** I ran out of NNOITRA unit cosplay and merchandise and my TESLA unit is freaking out and beating the shit out of the wall and his pillow (which is actually mine) so can you help me please and tell me what is wrong?

**A:** Your TESLA unit is officially fucked. Please reboot the unit. If this problem persists, then please take it up with customer service who really listen to MP3s while you yell so they can't hear you XD

We do hope that you enjoy your time with the TESLA unit and try to live it up to the fullest with your very own NNOITRA stalking unit from our Bleach line (which is really the only unit that will do so…we are still trying to fix that)


End file.
